‘I see you, I hear you, I am with you’: The importance of listening with compassion

Today is Time to Talk Day 2022, a day all about having conversations with family, friends, or colleagues about mental health. Yet many people may feel awkward or unsure what to do if they are approached by someone wanting to have such a conversation. In our latest blog Bridgitte Calder, Forensic Psychologist at Cygnet Joyce Parker Hospital, provides some key tips on how to listen compassionately to someone who is opening up about their mental health.

It can be difficult to know what to do when someone we care about tells us they are struggling. It is easy for us to want to avoid such conversations about mental health because they can be uncomfortable. However, it is so important to talk about mental health and knowing how to approach this with compassion can be key, as being compassionate is not only about being kind, but it is also about having the courage and understanding to turn towards suffering and help to alleviate it.

Here are some key tips for compassionately supporting someone when they open up about their mental health:

Acknowledge their courage

Know that it will have taken so much courage for them to even start this conversation, acknowledge this and tell them how proud they should be for saying something!

Provide reassurance

Don’t judge them, reassure them that you are there for them, that it is not their fault and that they are not alone in their struggle.

Give your time

Really listen to them, sit back, pay attention and give them space to talk at their pace. Think about your body language, turn towards them as they are likely be expecting rejection or shame for sharing.

Resist the urge to fix

Don’t focus on trying to make it better right now, let them share what they need to share and validate what they are saying, show that you understand and believe their experience. Thank them for sharing with you.

Try different forms of communication

If they are finding it difficult to share, try different forms of communication; they might find it easier to write their experiences in a letter or a text, or talk over the phone rather than face to face. Or let them know that they can share a bit at a time and you will be there when they are ready.

Check in with yourself

Stay calm and pay attention to what comes up for you – someone we care about sharing their distress can raise all sorts of difficulties for us. It can be helpful to occasionally check in with yourself during the conversation and to ground yourself if you notice discomfort rising.

A nice way to do this is to just take a deep breath, notice the seat beneath you and pick one thing in the room to ‘anchor’ to. If you know this conversation is going to happen it might be helpful for you to have a moment to self-soothe beforehand so that you remain calm and centred.

Share with consideration

It can be helpful at times to share your own experiences of mental health difficulties as this can help to normalise what they are saying, however consider when the best time might be to do this and remember that this conversation is about them.

Offer ongoing reassurance

Don’t expect everything to be resolved in one conversation, this is often the beginning of their journey as making sense of our mental health is very complex and it takes time to work through our difficulties. Maintain social contact afterwards, check in with them, offer ongoing reassurance and invite them to social events.

Set next steps

Set some next steps, offer practical support, not just emotional – offer to support them in arranging and attending appointments to speak to a professional, learn more about the problem they are experiencing and help them to practice coping strategies.

Respect their boundaries

If someone you know is struggling and they feel unable to reach out for help or accept help offered to them, it is important to respect their boundaries and their decision. Be patient with them, let them know that you care and tell them you are there for them when they are ready.

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