Helping with bereavement
Author: Dr George John
Experiencing a bereavement to someone close to you causes a lot of stress which can make you vulnerable to minor health problems. No one can take the stress out of the situation, but there are certain things we can do to prevent that stress from having a harmful effect upon us.
- Be kind to yourself. Do what you want and what you need.
- Be busy. Try to occupy yourself with everyday tasks, go to libraries, exhibitions or take long walks
- Be patient, don't rush into making decisions, there is no need to hurry
- Food - often we may not feel like eating much, so when we do it should be something that is easy to digest and we enjoy.
- Exercise - you are unlikely to feel like beginning an exercise routine, so the easiest thing is to set aside some time each day for a brisk walk
- Sleep -if having problems sleeping a warm drink and/or a relaxing bath immediately before bedtime will help
When a young adult experiences the death of a parent
Adolescence itself is a difficult time and the added loss of a parent is often too much for such a youngster to endure. However, few feel comfortable talking about a dead parent when this is actually what the youngster most requires.
Some guidelines to help bereaved young adults
- Talk openly about dead parents
- Allow ventilation as often and as long as necessary
- Talk slowly through last memories
- Talk about frightening realisation of the finality of death - feelings, thoughts and fears
- Look at photographs, old and new
- Encourage memories, good and bad. This is important so that parent is not idealised unrealistically
- Suggest an item, possibly clothing or a small article, that is closely associated with parent, to hold or cuddle. It helps to reduce the awful distance there seems to be
- Talk about the relationship the person had with the parent, encourage reality
- Allow and encourage verbalisation of anger, hurt against dead and living partner
- Talk about the present - possibly current education or work situation, the problems connected with these, the hopes and fears
- Talk about the future - planning new life without one parent, friends and relationships
- Talk about the rest of the family members. Allow and encourage ventilation of any worries about these members
- Allow and respect the 'child' to show itself and respect the adult.
The Do's and Don'ts of Grieving
- Don't hide your feelings. Try to bring into the open whatever emotions you are feeling, as this is central to working with your grief.
- Don't rush into having the funeral right away or arrange a more expensive funeral than you can afford.
- Don't turn to drugs, smoking or alcohol to stop yourself feeling the pain of grieving.
- Don't think about blame, shame or incrimination, but only about being healed.
- Don't fear the change that is now coming into your life. Life is like a mosaic and when the familiar pattern breaks apart, we can become very frightened. Yet it may well be that this fragmentation enables us to re-arrange our lives in an equally or even more harmonious order.
- Do express your feelings as much as possible.
- Do talk through what has happened with someone you trust, eg. Family member, close friend or even an appropriate local support groups
- Do make your peace with your loved-one. If this was not possible in life, it is really of no consequence. You can still do so now by sending kind, forgiving thoughts to them or by beginning to forgive yourself.
- Do dig deep and draw on your inner reserves of determination and strength to get you through this sad time. Even if you are not religious do not underestimate the power of prayer.
- Do take good care of yourself
- Do get lots of rest, eat well and give yourself sufficient time off to grieve.
- Do begin to make long term plans for the future so that you will always have something to look forward to but remember -don't rush any big life changes.
- Do keep in touch with family and friends. Remember most people feel honoured when asked for help. However, many people feel awkward and embarrassed about offering their help, so it may be left up to you to ask for it, even though this is a very difficult time for you.
- Do treasure the help and support that is given unconditionally to you at this time. The more you open yourself up to others the more help you will receive but don't dwell on or begin to enjoy the sympathy you are given.
- Don't take for granted any source of trusted and genuine help as this tends to drive away those you most need in your life at this time and may perhaps lead to further feelings of loss or perhaps rejection. Remember when you are most clearly seen by others you are most clearly understood and they can help you with the process of healing.
- Do contact your family doctor if you feel unwell.
